I’m having what you’d call a crisis of faith – only unlike Hank Moody I’m not standing in a church and there’s no hot nun offering me a blowjob. Fortunately or unfortunately, despite the naked temple carvings, the religion my father was born into doesn’t lend itself to anything more than bhajans.
For me and many others like me who’ve been raised on a steady diet of American television and other colorful “literature”, the realities of India kick our ass every day.
Last two times I’ve been in a hospital for surgery, I’ve opened my eyes through the anaesthesia induced drowsiness to find my pajamas pulled down and a painkiller injection planted in my left butt cheek an have looked up hoping to find the nurse MR. Charlie Harper used to run into regularly before he was bumped off the show.
Thankfully though, unlike sex, school had prepared me for this eventuality – the school nurse was a friend’s mother. Umm, so yeah that was that. True, growing up I had an electronic teacher so hot, solder irons seemed like a waste of money.
There were the hotties of the basketball team, but that theory was quickly trashed when I found out that a number of people in the group fancied him same girl and she wasn’t exactly the typical basketball hottie.
Every time I read about the hot cop fantasy, Kiran Bedi leaps out, and you don’t actually want to read what comes to mind. If the Yanks saw the man who cleans my car, they and Jessica Simpson both would get synchronized strokes. And turns out that the personal assistants that Don Draper employed don’t exist in India either, nor do desks to hide whiskey bottles in, but that’s for another day. The school girl fantasy is out too – what are we Japanese? Staying with education – Our librarians look more like Anna Hazare than that hot librarian in a two button open white shirt, tight skirt and spectacles recommending the latest bestsellers.
Strauss Kahn been in India, he wouldn’t really have wanted to help himself to the help.
In India, we have clichés like the slutty bhabhi with a taste for her younger brother-in-law. The hot NGO chicas – girls who wear Fab India kurtas over their perfect bikini bodies and quote Kundera the sort you wouldn’t have had a shot with, had it not been for Anna. True, if this piece is ever charged with objectifying women, then Moody and my lord together will not be able to defend it, but the clichés do still exist in the west – a place also credited with giving birth two the bra-burning movement. The problem then is not in the existence of these clichés so much as in them being as useful in India as fur in Mumbai, a trend that does exist, mind you.
Till some kind soul takes up my suggestion, I’m just gonna park my thoughts and myself at the side of the road waiting for that raunchy meter maid to drop by, oh wait, that isn’t going to happen either is it!
